When One Partner Wants More Sex: Understanding Mismatched Libido
One of the more common issues couples bring into counselling is also one of the hardest to talk about: “I want sex more than they do.”
Having different sex drives, sometimes called mismatched libido or mismatched sexual desire, is incredibly common in relationships. In fact, expecting two (or more) people to consistently want sex at exactly the same frequency, intensity and moment is probably a little optimistic. We don't expect our partners to be hungry when we're hungry, tired when we're tired, or desperate to watch another episode of MAFS when we're ready for bed. Yet somehow, with sex, a difference in appetite can become deeply personal.
And that's where things get interesting.
Why Different Sex Drives Can Affect Relationships
Often, the difficulty isn't simply how much sex we are having. It's what sex, and the absence of it, has subconsciously come to mean to us.
For the partner wanting more sex, rejection can begin to feel like something much bigger. “I'm not attractive anymore. You don't desire me. Perhaps you don't love me. Maybe someone else would.”
For the partner wanting less, sex can gradually become associated with pressure, expectation or guilt. Affection itself can become complicated. If I cuddle them, will they think I'm initiating sex? If I say no again, will they be upset? Am I disappointing them? Is something wrong with me?
This can lead to a complete withdrawal of any intimacy. Think hugs, holding hands, leaning on each other. Otherwise, the topic can become the elephant in the room.
Suddenly, people who probably both want intimacy can find themselves protecting themselves from each other.
The Pursue and Retreat Dance
From a psychodynamic perspective, mismatched desire can stir up much older emotional experiences. Rejection may touch feelings of inadequacy, abandonment or not being chosen. This can feel particularly loaded for people who may have already had plenty of experience feeling rejected, unwanted or somehow 'wrong' because of who they are.
Feeling pursued may awaken experiences of having to please others, difficulty maintaining boundaries, or feeling responsible for somebody else's emotional wellbeing.
A frustrating cycle can develop. The more one person seeks reassurance through sex, the more pressured the other might feel. The more they retreat, the more rejected their partner feels, who then may pursue harder.
Which doesn't sound very arousing to me.
Nobody necessarily created the problem, yet both can accidentally keep it going.
How to Talk About Mismatched Sexual Desire
Perhaps the first strategy is to stop making the conversation exclusively about frequency.
Instead of “Why don't we have sex anymore?”, try exploring what is happening underneath it.
“What does sex give you emotionally?”
“What happens inside you when I initiate?”
“What does it feel like when I say no?”
“When do you feel most desired by me?”
“What helps you actually feel sexual?”
Sometimes those questions get us somewhere much more useful than another argument about how often we're having sex.
It's also worth remembering that desire doesn't always arrive spontaneously. For many people, particularly in longer relationships, desire can be responsive, emerging after affection, relaxation, flirting, touch or emotional connection has already begun. Of course, that doesn't mean affection needs to lead anywhere. Desire and consent are still very much separate things.
And sometimes there isn't a great psychological mystery to solve. We're stressed, annoyed with each other, tired, distracted or simply not feeling particularly sexual. Health concerns, medication and hormonal changes can also influence libido, and sometimes deserve attention alongside the emotional aspects of a relationship.
Couples and relationships can also benefit from expanding their definition of intimacy. Touch doesn't always need to become sex. A kiss doesn't have to mean game on. Creating affection that genuinely has no expectation attached can sometimes make sexual connection feel safer again.
Most importantly, try not to turn desire into evidence of love.
Also watch out for the line “I have needs.” I sometimes wonder whether “desires” is a more useful word. Calling sex a need can unintentionally turn our partner into the person responsible for meeting it. Desire leaves a little more room for people to negotiate.
When Can Couples & Relationship Counselling Help with Intimacy Issues?
Sometimes folks find themselves having the same conversation about sex over and over, only to end up feeling more misunderstood than when they started. One person feels rejected, the other feels pressured, and neither quite knows how to change the pattern.
Couples and relationship counselling can provide an opportunity to explore what's happening beneath these differences. Rather than deciding who wants too much or too little sex, relationship therapy can help partners understand the emotional meaning of intimacy, recognise patterns of pursuit and withdrawal, and develop ways of communicating that feel less threatening.
At Jefferson Place, I offer online couples counselling and relationship counselling across Australia, exploring intimacy, communication, desire and the sometimes complicated business of being close to another human being.
The goal isn't necessarily to make libidos perfectly match. Perhaps it's learning how to talk about sex, rejection, wanting and not wanting without either person becoming the problem.
Common Questions About Mismatched Libido
Is it normal for couples to have different sex drives?
Absolutely. Differences in sexual desire are common, particularly in long-term relationships. Stress, emotional connection, health, relationship dynamics and individual preferences can all influence desire. Having different libidos doesn't automatically mean a relationship is unhealthy. Sometimes it's simply a difference that needs understanding rather than fixing.
Can couples counselling help with mismatched libido?
Couples and relationship counselling can help partners explore how differences in sexual desire affect their emotional connection. Therapy can help address patterns of rejection, pressure, communication difficulties and expectations around intimacy, without making either partner responsible for changing their level of desire.
Sometimes the most intimate conversation about sex is the one where nobody is trying to convince the other person to have it.
About the Author
Andrew Macdonald is a PACFA registered clinical psychotherapist at Jefferson Place, providing individual, couples and relationship counselling. His therapeutic approach explores the emotional and relational patterns that influence how we connect with ourselves and others. Jefferson Place offers online counselling to clients across Australia.
Comments